last night i had a really terrible dream relating to my trauma and it really ruined me. even worse, i had my most difficult midterm test that day for world history in which i had to handwrite a really long essay within 1 hr while i was struggling wit this. my heartbeat was irregular for the whole day and i was holding back tears...this is gross and tmi, but i wore a dark red lipstick that day and started chewing on my pencil to calm myself, but i had so much saliva that it went all over everything and the redness of my lipstick was all over my pencil, hands, and paper. im not sure how i did on this essay and i kind of wish i told the teacher i was struggling mentally today, but i'd rather not burden people with my issues. there are just somethings that should be left to professionals.
so i decided to have a little fun! i put on my favorite strawberry op and had some strawberrries and cream. my mum got me a cookie but i microwaved it bc it was hard and cold and it exploded so thats nice. im trying not to get put down by it. besides the smell of burnt cookie and chinese herbal arthritis medicine floating around me, i am alright.
recently ive realized how different i love to other people. ive had such an unnatural understanding of love ever since i was a kid, i was confused by its concept and complexity. speaking to some friends yesterday made me realize how much i've over complicated it all with my social ineptitude and trauma and insecurities. ive been in a very low, dark place because i don't think i'll ever find true love and acceptance; not because no one is good enough, but because of the way i am. i feel like i was born all these shattered pieces and they just kept shattering and splintering over time, and how can you expect someone to truly love something that has been broken and reshapen a million times? when i think too much about the improbability of being loved, i dig myself into a hole and isolate myself from everyone. im constantly feeling like no one likes me. its gotten to the point that when people show too much interest in me, it makes me uncomfortable. i'm actually scared of the idea that someone might have a crush on me. all i can do now is hope.
oh dear reader ive been terribly ill these past few days...ill catch you up on some things in my life.
im a superemodel....im bella hadid and i am 8 feet tall and an elven queen....my diet consists of pure light and freshly tilled soil... i wrote almost evefry countrys constitution and then shuffled them aroujnd and distributed them to everyone..i was the coolest most popular girl in the world when i was only 3 years old because i owned an orange parakeet, but i quickly fell from my throne when the parakeet was revealed to be a ventriloquist and i was her puppet...deep down i am actuallly just a reeally handsome prince shielded by this rough hairy exterior because i am a lumber jack and i acftually invented being a lumber jack because i was the it girl in the 1800s and everyone loveeed copying me so when i started lumbering my jack EVERRYPONE was doing it.
my friend has forgotten i am gay at least 4 times and she told me not to say this on my blog (i have shown her my blog hello hailey) and now i have decided to do it anyway so you can all know. i am not going to be discreet anymore i want a gf
in class, a girl came in late with 2 backpacks strapped to her and a bunch of starbucks drink. her friend stared at her and said, "i just love you so much". this made me very happy even though it has nothing to do with me
hellooo ghouls and goblins it is the day after halloween!! i was draculaura from monster high with some friendss and i passed out candy and watched the vvitch starring anya taylor joy...id like to be thomasin for my next costume i think that would be fun. i just need a fun excuse to dress up. ive had some delicious treats as of recent. they include :
ive been under the weather for the past 3 days but its not that bad, my sinuses are clear so im very grateful...i always get sick on the weekends its so annoying! today is diwali which is a holiday i enjoy very much. i dont have school today which is nice as well, but my family doesnt celebrate the holiday unless we are invited to a party, so im just staying home today. this morning i drove to the bakery for a souffle and hot chocolate and it was very comfy and nice but the hot chocolate did not impress me and i dont get that hungry when im sick so food is less exciting. when backing out of my driveway, i had to reverse out which was quite a challenge because my driveway is uphill and windy.
yesterday was pretty interesting because i went to portfolio review day in boston. i was so terribly nervous i felt physically ill, but i powered through and got 2 colleges to look over my portfolio; fashion institute of technology and the new school. seeing all the other art kids my age was so cool, especially other chinese kids. i find that the chinese kids who were raised in the states like me tend to be very shy and modest, while kids from mainland china were really confident and beautiful. they wore a lot of designer and indie fashion and hung around in groups speaking chinese and i thought they were just the coolest. when i was a kid i dealt with a lot of problems with talking and communicating with people and i find that these problems still exist when i am speaking chinese, i just turn into a terrified little girl again. i really need to practice more. seeing cool chinese kids like yesterday really motivates me to learn more, but im so scared of making mistakes and looking dumb. i think being nervous and self doubting is probably my worst weakness, it stops me from so much in life.
im very nervous about talking about this topic with literally anyone because i am in the closet with homophobic parents
but i also like to blab on the internet about tmi information no one cares about....oh well!
it may be obvious by my excessive nerdiness and lack of rizz that i am not the most popular with the ladies. many mistake me to be a preteen, i am very short, and i would say most women think i am pretty but do not find me attractive, if that makes sense. on the other hand, many men have taken interest in me. unfortunately i have never felt attraction to men, but it doesnt stop me from feeling an urge to go along with their attraction, almost like a strange game we play. i just want to mean something important to someone, but i know that its very messsed up to act on these urges when i can never reciprocate the attraction. that would be like using them, and i could never hurt someone like that. but i can't wear a big shirt that says "fellas stay away! im a lezzie!" as much as i'd like to, because my mother happens to hate lesbians and i quite like being loved by my mother. its pretty sad and i wish there was another way, and maybe there will be once i go to college, but for now, all i can do is sit and wait for that day. what's most strange is that i still like it more when a man im not attracted to is attracted to me than with a woman. thesse can lead to confusing feelings. i dont have a good concluding sentence for this, just some thoughts. i hope things are better someday.
a poor decision in choosing a drinkity drink has been made
hello so fun fact about me my body does not react very very we,ll to any kind of caffeine.... i am a very small lady with anxiety and even if caffeine absorbs into my skin in some places, i will become extremely hyper...which is whats happening at this moment. this morning i had a study first period so i went to my local cafe for a delicious bacon+spinach souffle as i tend to enjoy..however i also orddered strawberry mint lemonade which i assumed did not have much caffeine, but when i went to pour myself some, i saw it had a certain amount of caffeine but i paid no attention to it because i assumed it was fairly minimal considering this is lemonade and a little bit of tea. i was very very wrong!im terribly shaky and anxious at the moment but its not too bad, my heart rate is close to resting rate so thats good, but my legs are shaking..good thing today is quite relaxed. in class, the kid in front of me dropped his water bottle and it made such a loud bang and i jumped in my seat!! because again i am very caffeinated, small, and anxious. i also detected a strange smell of rodent droppings for some reason, but i did not want to sniff anyone to see if it was coming from someone because that is rude. but i really don't like unpleasant smells.
speaking of smells, did you know im a connossieur of smells? i think thats how connossiuer is spelt but im too lazy to look it up. aromatherapy was one of the first and most useful ways of treating my anxiety as a child and i stil use it even when im not anxious. i love perfume and scented candles. my usual perfumes are chanel eau tendre, a very youthful floral feminine scent, and strawberry poundcake perfume. perfumes are terribly expensive when they're not super cheap, even though most perfumes don't cost that much to manufacture. one of my favorite tiktok accounts is this one that reccommends scents based off movies, like smelling like galadriel from lord of the rings, or the apple strudel scene from inglorious basterds. oh i love apple strudel. i love all things apple...today i'm going to bake apple pie with friends because it is autumn and we love apples.
i actually typed a rather long rant about videogames yesterday but i forgot to save and the tab automatically refreshed, so all that's gone. i'll probably feel compelled to rant again later since i wasnt done saying everything i wanted to say. currently im at my desk watching chocolate mukbang videos because im really craving chocolate right now but there isnt much sweets in the house anymore. its honestly kind of amazing how this mukbanger (i think thats what they're called?) can eat so much because she's already had like an entire month's worth of chocolate and she's still eating! i wish i could eat that much chocolate...i have a very slow metabolism but its ok because it also means i don't get hungry much. i really want kit kats i think they're the best type of candy, smooth chocolate and crisp wafer. i love food that has texture variety, which means i can hardly stand oatmeal on its own. i like a mix of creamy, crunchy, and chewy in my meals.
i guess i could go to the store to buy some chocolates, but i don't like spending money when i don't have to. i dont have a job yet because i need the time to work on my portfolio to apply to fashion school, but i'll probably get one once im done with my first wave of applications. there's this fabrics store i love and i know where everything is and stuff so that's where im planning to work. im still very hostile to the idea of getting a job because i dont want to go into a job that involves being bullied by agitated immature middle aged people, but that's most jobs for teenagers. and i know its spoiled and privileged of me to even have a choice in whether i should get a job or not, but im just here to enjoy life...i dont want to do things unless im absolutely obligated to and i think its the same for most people.
hello deer..i dont think anyone will care to read this page but im flattered if you do. i keep a diary in real life, too, but i like to use this medium as well because its easier to type than to write and my brain moves fast. i can also add pngs and gifs which is a plus, whereas in reality i need to pay for or print out stickers. i will try my best to keep it light, but i cannot guarantee this page will be free of triggering topics, i will have a trigger warning in front of those entries if it comess up.